Trans nonbinary? An experience

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Raphael

Rainbow Members
May 6, 2018
24
17
3
Gender theory is interesting.

Growing up AFAB, my experience with my gender and identity has always been shaky. And now that I know I'm nonbinary maverique, even that's shaky. Well, my identity itself isn't shaky, on the contrary it's quite strong. But the whole experience being trans and nonbinary is an experience in of itself.

People always talk when they talk about their coming out to themselves story like ive always known i was this or that! But honestly that wasn't the case for me. I identified as a girl for so so long and I mean in retrospect I didn't really mind it in any sense. Even one time, my abuser once asked me what was wrong with being cis and in fear of inciting an argument I just agreed with him. A whole 'nother can of beans.

Anyways I was always just like there's no other option than for me to be a girl. Then I met the internet.

I had some friends on birbsite who were like hey I'm not of the binary and I'm like dude thats cool but never really thought of it in my personal context. I guess my life experiences brought me to a point where I really didn't think about myself in a self reflected way. But something I always hated about myself was, well, everything. My name, my super long hair, my feminine body, my face. And I always just assumed it was because depression but I actually thought like a month ago, Maybe the root of depression was dysphoria all along!

I went by the name Ocean for a while just online and for a few months on the irl. It was similar to my legal name which I have hated and always hated for various reasons, and now consider it a deadname. I'm so uncomfortable with people calling me my deadname now that I get extremely anxious over it. My housemate keeps calling me by my deadname constantly nowadays either on purpose (i think so) or on accident (unlikely bc why tf would all my friends transition to my new name so easily but this person who probably doesnt even like me makes these mistakes all the fuckin time jfc) and they like to call themselves the best trans advocate of all time and w/e but that, too, is another whole can of beans.

I used to have super long hair back in the day. Now I'm nearly bald. I intend to keep my hair like this, or just long enough so my curls show. I feel so very comfortable with my appearance now, though with my weight I still struggle to accept my beautiful fat body.

And also, the more I start to accept my body for it's size, the more I become physically dysphoric. I constantly want different genitalia, no boobs, basically have the ideal androgynous body (but honestly i wanna look more man-ish than androgynous).

Being maverique is challenging in and of itself as well. People who are cool with gender and sexual minorities (aka "allies") tend to not be ok with these more niche terms and labels towards gender. I've had quite the experience with people making oh there's 800 genders nowadays back in my day there were 2 yet they call themselves cool with the LGBT (again, aka "allies" (I'm not particularly fond of allies as you can see)). I once came out to my class when we were simply looking at the binary but the trans binary. I was like hey not to like further complicate things but this is what I am and like this contributes to the ideas being shown here in interesting ways. Everyone was so interested in the kid who barely talks in class. In some ways, I felt acknowledged and respected by my peers, especially those who were in one way or another trans themselves, and in other ways, I felt oggled at. I felt like an example, a spectacle.

This whole post seems so incoherant at the moment. I kind of don't like talking about gender, specifically mines because of how I don't know...It's not that I feel ashamed and uncomfortable, but more like I feel if I simply say, I'm nonbinary maverique, then I have to prove it by showing myself off and constantly talking about it. You know how people are like "why do gays always talk about how gay they are?" and I'm like well I know why because we're all so marginalized since birth that when we come to accept ourselves for who we truly are, it's like having to suppress a major identity that you just can't talk about because of marginalization. And I'm so marginalized that I feel I have to simultaneously assimilate to cis culture and yet be the model trans person. I have to be the person who always talks about gender yet simultaniously makes nothing about gender because that would be annoying.

And it sucks even more that I'm so cis passing that I hate my every waking moment.

But anyways, that's my experience! I wanna know what your experience is, if any, about being trans or nonbinary or both is like, if you can relate, and if you have any questions about my identity? I want to know what people think and experience!
 

Alana

Rainbow Members
May 6, 2018
9
6
3
Thank you for sharing so much about this. I honestly had to look up what maverique meant, and I'm still not sure what it means totally, but that doesn't make it any less valid.

I'm not sure if my experience with being nonbinary was a case of my binary feelings coming through and being filtered by a sense of resignation towards always having to have a male body and acting accordingly, or if I actually was and may still be nonbinary. From way early on, I would think about how I had feminine qualities, at least mentally if not physically, and sometimes I would have random thoughts about having physical ones that I don't actually possess. I've dubbed these the "bewildering girly thoughts". I never truly felt like one of the guys, but although I really liked hanging out with girls, I felt like an outsider in those circles too. I took all of this information (along with a healthy dose of seriously disregarding any "gay"-but-actually-straight thoughts I had about guys) and continued along with the assumption that I was just a not-very-masculine straight guy. The idea of being nonbinary didn't occur to me until I was in my mid-twenties and a friend of a friend started using they/them pronouns. It spoke to me and I thought it was so cool and wished that I could too, but I was so afraid of ever trying it, so I just stayed in denial. Still, I continued being uncomfortable with being considered a man but went along with it. In the meantime, I met and married my wife. Interestingly she was attracted to my feminine qualities and wondered if I was nonbinary, though she never told me any of that out of fear of upsetting my (pretty much non-existent) masculinity.

Last year, in the midst of seeing trans rights being trampled upon by the cheeto-in-chief and my getting more angry about it than seemed reasonable for a cis person to do so, along with losing a continuing battle with facial trichotillomania, I finally fully accepted that I was trans of some variety. Going with what I had felt for a long time, I assumed that was nonbinary, but the more I tried to define it, the more I kept coming up with "woman", and the more feminine I attempted to make myself, the better I felt.

I spent so long believing myself to be somewhere in between that it still colors my thoughts, though. I can't figure out if it's because of years of male socialization and/or a fear that I will never fully pass as a woman, or if I truly am nonbinary.
 
Reactions: Raphael

Raphael

Rainbow Members
May 6, 2018
24
17
3
Maverique for me means a gender above and beyond all genders. It is independent from any ideas of gender, a very empowering gender! I personally like to liken it to a heavenly, celestial type of gender that transcends gender itself. I'm really like idk like that. I mean I chose the name Raphael after the archangel yakno?

Thank you for sharing your experience! The gender journey is quite long and always changing and I hope one day you can find the right words to the way you feel. Something that I thought of while reading your story is that some nonbinary people ID as woman-aligned, not sure if you heard that term before? It's being aligned in some way of being a woman but still being nonbinary. If you haven't heard it before, I suggest looking into it.

And I can relate to the fear of not passing. I experience a lot of social dysphoria so when people automatically assume I'm a girl then I just freak out internally. Once at a very queer space someone assumed I was a girl because I was wearing a "very feminine" shirt that day (I hadn't done laundry recently so it was one of the only clean shirts I had) and once I went home I tore that shirt off and wore a pajama shirt everywhere until I did laundry and wore my more androgynous clothes. It was awful, a few hours after that experience I was telling my friend that I just wanted to tear my skin apart until I had no more feminine features. I guess because I have a lot of anxiety and insecurities I rely on acceptance from other people rather than my own self. It's awful but that's how my brain works for who knows how many reasons.

I just wish I was a celestial androgynous body and not some inherently feminine meatsack.