Omnisexual: Bi-erasure story

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Raphael

Rainbow Members
May 6, 2018
24
17
3
I knew for quite a while that I wasn't straight.

I knew because at some point in my life I started looking at girls.....differently. I couldn't quite tie in why or how. I thought I was always attracted to guys but at some point I'm just like hmmm maybe I could potentially be not straight (this was before the whole gender stuff happened).

And so, I told my only sole friend at the time, my abuser, what I was thinking and feeling. Since we were dating, and he was openly pansexual (he alternated between bisexual and pansexual), and I *had* to be chill when he found some random person cute, I thought it would be the same thing for me since I thought we were an honest couple who could trust each other with anything? Boy was I wrong. I started telling him about how I felt like if I were to date anyone after him (since I felt expendable and knew we were bound to break up again, but another story for another time) then I could date anyone, men, women, gnc, etc. And whenever I was about to say hey I might not be straight but rather pan/bi/not straight he just shut me up by getting jealous at someone who didn't even exist and saying that I was betraying him or smth. Bullshit like that.

Anyways, I rejected my sexuality since it wasn't approved in his eyes then. When we did break up, I sought friendships because since he was my only friend (again, abuse, another story for another time) and I went to the only community I knew, the fuckin church. It was kinda shit knowing they wouldn't like me there, especially when I did come out as nonbinary they kinda looked at me funny and all...another story for another time.

I met this girl there, her name is Pepper and she's the cutest girl I saw at that church. Before I had a feeling well hey I could date a girl but this girl, I was like omg........she cute.........and I felt like caterpillars in my throat that would become butterflies in my stomach. You know, the normal way a supposed straight person would react.

Then and there I turned to the internet once more. What does this mean? Everything told me, you are bi. No, I thought! I can't be the same as my abuser, that basically makes me my abuser! And I looked and looked, pan, they said. No! I thought, I can't because I do care about the gender? Maybe? Not sure.... My friend, the first bisexual person I knew in my entire life, said yeah you basically bisexual. What? I thought. How could I if I've only dated men and always been attracted to men until recently? Sexuality is fluid, my friend said. And I'm like hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Eventually I found the term omnisexual. Many said pan with a preference. Others said bisexual but goes beyond human genders meaning the person is attracted to non-human things, robots, monsters, animals, aliens. I was like well this kind of describes what I feel? (except the non-human aspect) It's not anything my abuser ID'd as so I'll take it. And I ID'd as that for a while. And hated that label. It felt inauthentic, fake, and not real.

After a while of being on my own I was reading one of my followers posts on birbsite and he's a really out and proud bisexual guy who sometimes labels his many fishes he owns as either gay or bisexual. And I found joy in that. I was happy for him and I felt like well hey this guy who's a really nice guy and has experienced abuse that caused him to be ashamed of his sexuality himself, well he's bi and happy as hell! Why can't I be like that?

So that's exactly what I did. I rejected omnisexual, also just thinking about that whole thing is like could it be bi-erasure too? In my case it was. I was rejecting my own identity for the fear of copying my abuser. In a wide case it might not be so, as in, omnisexual isn't inherently bi-erasure, simply because the tumblrs I've encountered do in fact, cohere to the definition of being attracted also to non-human beings. Two separate things.

Anyways that's my bisexual story. I know being bisexual isn't that well received both with the straights and in the queer community. So has anyone had any difficulty accepting themselves as bisexual? What factors lead you to the label bisexual? Can anyone relate?
 
Reactions: Codeawayhaley

AudryLeigh

Rainbow Members
Sep 2, 2018
26
13
0
Daymn! My first impression is that you're confused. I think you're spending too much time listening to other people, trying to be like, or not like other people, trying to get other people to give you a label... This is about YOU, and about no one else. Where did you get the impression that being bi isn't well received within the queer community (and what do you define as queer -- that's not a well defined term in my experience). As far as I know, the LGBtQ+ community has no problem with bi -- I know quite a few people who are bi who are perfectly happy and feel comfortable and well received by the LGBTQ+ community.

In my opinion there are too damned many labels, many of which are very sloppily defined, and people get too hung up on trying to find "exactly the right label" for themselves. Here's a label for you, you're human. I know that one fits.

First, figure out who YOU are. Go on a journey of self discovery (go alone, don't take anyone with you -- remember this is about YOU!). AFTER you know who you are, then worry about a label, if you even still feel you need one. The only real value in a label is in making it easy to describe who you are to someone else, and all the multitude of poorly defined labels don't help. When someone tells me they are pansexual and I ask them to clarify that for me, I get a different answer every time, and nine times out of ten it comes down to being bisexual.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transsexual are well defined terms, transgender is fairly well defined, but kind of open-ended. BTW, lesbian, gay, and bisexual are preferences, transsexual is a medical condition, and transgender and all it's plethora of variants is gender. Preference, sex, and gender are all different things, and not related to each other. Sexual preference is entirely independent of sex and gender and is simply who you are attracted to. Sex is anatomy, and gender is psychosocial. Labels are appropriate to sex and are easy -- there are only two, male and female. Sexuality is primarily heterosexual, homosexual, and various combinations of the two, with bisexual being pretty much the only one of those combinations that is really well defined. Asexual is pretty well defined, but is hard [for me] to see as a sexuality since it is the absence of sexuality. Demisexual is reasonably well defined and essentially means a less intense libido than what is average, but it's about libido and none of the other things being discussed here. Gender is a psychological and psycho-social construct, and, for those whose gender is not binary, is an almost completely open-ended concept that has been loaded down with so many labels that, in my opinion, they are all losing their meaning (with the exception of genderfluid, and maybe a couple of others).

Raphael, My advice to you is to step back and get a grip. Take a few deep breaths and let your anxiety about all this die down -- you can't  expect to find any kind of answer if you are too anxiety ridden to think clearly. Start with the basics. Forget everybody else, you are unique. What your "abuser" was (and BTW that's a disturbing concept) is irrelevant -- this is about YOU, not them. What your friends are or think that you are is irrelevant, THIS IS ABOUT YOU!

at some point in my life I started looking at girls.....differently. I couldn't quite tie in why or how.
Why or how is irrelevant. Who you are attracted to is who you are attracted to, the why and how are a PhD thesis that is meaningless to you, unless you're going for your doctorate in human sexuality, or some such.

If you stop trying to put a label on yourself, and just relax and be yourself, who you really are will come to you -- then you can worry about labeling it -- if you want to, but you don't have to. Labels are optional! It's a little like looking for love -- the harder you try the worse the results are going to be. Step back, take a few deep breaths, relax away all that anxiety, and just be yourself -- don't analyze it, just be, Be yourself, and then you'll know. Coming down from as high strung as you seem to be will take a little while, but as you fall back through all those possibilities, don't stop to analyze them, just fall until you land, which will be where you started from, however long ago you started stressing about all this, and it will be where you need to start again. Be yourself, don't dissect yourself. It's a lot easier than you're making it. You don't have to know how or why, you only need to know what -- or in this case, who.

BYW, the Internet in general, and sites like tumblr in particular are completely overwhelmed with false information. Finding good information on the Internet is a tough job. Everything you find, anywhere on the Internet needs to be vetted to make sure it's coming from an authoritative source and is factually accurate. Facts are not determined by public opinion, or the number of posts on the Internet that agree. Self absorbed, self-important,  opinionated people, who really have no idea what they are talking about tend to be prolific posters, contributors, article writers, etc. Properly accredited, knowledgeable sources publish very little, so they are terribly hard to find among all the BS that is the Internet. Accredited sources publish very little because what they do is research, they only publish at all to present the results of their research, they have neither the time nor the need to saturate all the search engine indices with their opinion in order to convince people (who believe any old thing they find on the Internet) that their BS personal opinion carries some weight. Good factual information is usually found by looking at the 3rd or 4th page of a GOOGLE search, or even deeper. The more BS there is, the deeper the valid information goes.

You turned the wrong direction when you turned to the Internet -- you should have turned to yourself. YOU are the source of all the information you need. You find your [true] self by being yourself, not by reading about who you might be. YOU might not even be described by any phrase or label anywhere on the entire Internet -- you are unique and may well have never been described before. Be your authentic self, and learn who that is through experience and observation. To find yourself, study yourself. Remember, this is all about YOU!

Sorry, this was long.

Audry